Monday, 16 May 2016

Relationship Success Tip #4 - Relationship Acid Test - Nicholas J Alexander

The objective of this exercise is to write down, without too much deliberation, the answers to four questions. Ideally you need to capture the first things that spring to mind immediately after you have read the question. The total exercise should take between 20 minutes & 40 minutes. 

So here we go four questions taken twice and with a maximum of three minutes taken per question.
  1. What are the five most important values you personally want in your life? For example, they might be religion, being charitable, being career driven, having a big family, travelling etc.
  2. What are the five most important things that you value and need from a partner? For example, they might be, being affectionate, successful, kind, honest, intelligent etc.
  3. What are the five things that you don’t really like about your partner? Now ideally these won’t be physical characteristics that you dislike, that can only be changed with surgery. For example, it could be that they are not engaged in the parenting enough or they are too strict with the children. They never sort the DIY in the house or never cook a home cooked meal. It could be the fact that they were in good shape and of good weight and now they are not or that they were career driven and successful but have become unambitious and or lazy. They may play too much golf. Surf porn on the internet etc.
  4. What are the five things you most love about your partner?For example, when I come home from a business trip he has run hot bath for me, the surprise romantic dinners she makes on any day of the week, he is a great Father to the children; he respects the fact that I work and have a job and helps me with the children and the house work. She is ambitious and career driven.
The real test now comes when you attempt to answer the four questions on behalf of your partner as it is about their values and objectives and what they think of you etc.
  1. What are the five most important values your partner personally wants in their life?
  2. What are the five most important things that your partner values and need from their partner/you?
  3. What are the five things that your partner does not really like about you?
  4. What are the five things your partner most loves about you?
The whole premise of this acid test piece is that it is actually a really good exercise to conduct with your partner whilst together, although uncomfortable at times, reversing the questions and answering them for yourself and then about yourself on behalf of one another is a really good activity. If it is done properly it can be a very constructive and positive process.

I do however expect that you may be shocked at some or all of the areas that you have disconnects. People don't communicate the bad stuff and I really don't understand why? How can you affect changes or improvements to your relationship if the problems are not discussed? Without the facts you are simply not able to make a conscious effort to fix the problems. If these problems are not fixed they can open your relationship up to the risk of deep seated issues taking a foot hold and then resentment developing.

I do wonder if sometimes people become infatuated with being in love and perhaps they are scared of being alone. For some this is so true that they will go to great lengths to find a companion and then find any reasonable reason to be in love. This happens especially if the reward sought out, is the short term boost you get from that feeling of being in love. Love is a very complicated human matter and should not be taken lightly, nor should it be neglected. Take care of your love and it will take care of you and of your relationships. Love is one of the most powerful and incredible emotion that we feel, treat it with respect and revere its immense power over our lives.

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